Well. Hello there faithful blog readers. It's been quite a while - quite a while since my last post, and quite a while since this journey has (physically) ended. I had meant to write a post during my last few days in India, then during my first few days back in the US.. yet here I am today, three weeks later and just now writing it. I'm still not quite sure what I'm going to tell you - I'm going to start typing, and hope that what comes out is something good. But no promises. Where to start..
I guess part of the problem is that I half expected to have processed something by now, something complete and fulfilled that I could report back to you. However, I think the problem is that I'm never going to stop processing. This trip is going to somehow mesh into the person that I am - the experiences, the lessons, the people, the memories, will somehow, one day (and already are) shaping me.
Although there is so much about the past seven (going on eight!) months that I can't describe to you, let alone process, comprehend, or understand, I want to at least share with you what I have managed to put into some words.
First of all - I learned to let go of expectations. This was tough. I kind of had it in my mind that I'd go overseas and work hard and change lives and impact people, all because of this degree that I have (in Social Work). That somehow my four years of education, and one slip of paper + a funny hat would make me some force for injustice to reckon with. Alas, I still have a lot of learning to do. About my gifts, my abilities, the things I desire. I may have found some of my way along the path of my life, but I still have a lot of figuring out to do. A lot of people go away to these countries (namely, India) to "find themselves" but I think this time caused me to question myself, more than it gave me answers. Maybe I'll find those answers one day, maybe I won't - and I'm ok with that. I may never have concrete answers, but I have been shaped in some way, I have learned something. I have been humbled. Entirely and completely been broken and humbled. Just because you dedicate your life to go overseas and be a missionary, doesn't mean you're going to succeed at it. God is able to use what you do, but what you do does nothing standing alone. I can only hope that God is using me somehow, even amidst my feelings of failure during that time (I'll come back to this topic shortly).
Something else I wanted to share with you was an opportunity I had to spend with some very special people. In my last two weeks in India, I went away to a camp that Freedom Firm hosts each year for girls from all over India who have been trafficked. We had about 30 girls, ranging from 16 - 30. A team from the States came to lead the camp - crafts, stories, games, etc. I got to sit and watch these girls running around, laughing, having fun - something they rarely, if ever, get to do. And I just "people watched" - I noticed their individual personalities. Some were quiet, reserved, a bit lacking in confidence, but sweet. Some were quiet, but also quite aggressive and had definite walls up. Some were goofy and awkward. Some were beautifully confident and funny. Each girl was so different, but all so sweet and precious. Yet each and every one of them has experienced something so dreadfully hurtful, something SO inherently evil. How a person, a girl so young, comes out of forced prostitution and still knows how to smile so strongly is such a huge testimony to the human spirit. As I watched them I was just thinking about how God had created each and every one of them with a beautiful personality, and that even the most disgusting of evils hadn't destroyed that. They each shared this common factor, something that could so easily and heavily define them, yet their individual characters still stayed strong in them. I will never, ever forget these beautiful faces and personalities.
Some people have asked me since being back if I have struggled with how evil people can be - if I have a negative perception of the human race now. But because of these girls, I feel the opposite way. Because of their ability to stay strong, happy, funny, confident, sweet, caring, throughout such struggles, I have a renewed feeling of happiness towards humanity. That not only are there still people with such qualities, but there are people who have suffered under the very hands of the most evil people of this world, who remain so incredible. They are the most vulnerable, yet the strongest people I've ever encountered in my life.
Many of the girls who came to the camp were Muslim and Hindu girls. Freedom Firm (and the Woodsedge church from America) were able to share with them their personal beliefs about Christ. On the last day of camp, the two men from the church explained the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet, and then washed the feet of all the girls there. These girls broke down. To have someone serve them in such an intimate way, let alone men, the very people who exploited them day in and day out, broke down walls. I don't know what those girls thought about God or Jesus or the fact that He loves them so immensely, but I at least now know that they heard it. During this time I realised just how badly they need Him. These girls have had everything taken from them: their childhood, their virginity, their families, for many of them they will have a hard time having any sort of future since they have been disowned and cannot be married in a society so heavily dependent on marriage. Some of them have contracted HIV - so their health, and maybe even, their life, has been stripped from them. What left is there to give them? The love and relationships we as humans can give them can help to restore some of this hurt, but ultimately, the only thing that can truly lift them out of such brokenness is Christ. When I think of God's love, I automatically think of these girls. His love for them is just so intensely huge and they deserve it more than I ever will. That is why I say that I feel humbled. Because God does not need me. He doesn't need my qualifications, my degree, my willingness, my "bravery" to go to Rwanda and India - He doesn't need it at all. Those girls don't need any of that. All they need is someone to share Christ with them and to understand His immense love for them. Now I can only hope that they learned some of that, in some small way, from me. What an honour it would be to represent His love to these girls.
I could go on for a long time, but this post is already half a novel ;) I appreciate you reading, whether you read every post over the past year, or if you only read this one. If there is anything else you are curious about, or want to know more about, or want to discuss, or even disagree with me - please feel free to contact me.
Thank you again - for your support, prayers, belief in me, and encouragement. It made all the difference.
Bronte.
I guess part of the problem is that I half expected to have processed something by now, something complete and fulfilled that I could report back to you. However, I think the problem is that I'm never going to stop processing. This trip is going to somehow mesh into the person that I am - the experiences, the lessons, the people, the memories, will somehow, one day (and already are) shaping me.
Although there is so much about the past seven (going on eight!) months that I can't describe to you, let alone process, comprehend, or understand, I want to at least share with you what I have managed to put into some words.
First of all - I learned to let go of expectations. This was tough. I kind of had it in my mind that I'd go overseas and work hard and change lives and impact people, all because of this degree that I have (in Social Work). That somehow my four years of education, and one slip of paper + a funny hat would make me some force for injustice to reckon with. Alas, I still have a lot of learning to do. About my gifts, my abilities, the things I desire. I may have found some of my way along the path of my life, but I still have a lot of figuring out to do. A lot of people go away to these countries (namely, India) to "find themselves" but I think this time caused me to question myself, more than it gave me answers. Maybe I'll find those answers one day, maybe I won't - and I'm ok with that. I may never have concrete answers, but I have been shaped in some way, I have learned something. I have been humbled. Entirely and completely been broken and humbled. Just because you dedicate your life to go overseas and be a missionary, doesn't mean you're going to succeed at it. God is able to use what you do, but what you do does nothing standing alone. I can only hope that God is using me somehow, even amidst my feelings of failure during that time (I'll come back to this topic shortly).
Something else I wanted to share with you was an opportunity I had to spend with some very special people. In my last two weeks in India, I went away to a camp that Freedom Firm hosts each year for girls from all over India who have been trafficked. We had about 30 girls, ranging from 16 - 30. A team from the States came to lead the camp - crafts, stories, games, etc. I got to sit and watch these girls running around, laughing, having fun - something they rarely, if ever, get to do. And I just "people watched" - I noticed their individual personalities. Some were quiet, reserved, a bit lacking in confidence, but sweet. Some were quiet, but also quite aggressive and had definite walls up. Some were goofy and awkward. Some were beautifully confident and funny. Each girl was so different, but all so sweet and precious. Yet each and every one of them has experienced something so dreadfully hurtful, something SO inherently evil. How a person, a girl so young, comes out of forced prostitution and still knows how to smile so strongly is such a huge testimony to the human spirit. As I watched them I was just thinking about how God had created each and every one of them with a beautiful personality, and that even the most disgusting of evils hadn't destroyed that. They each shared this common factor, something that could so easily and heavily define them, yet their individual characters still stayed strong in them. I will never, ever forget these beautiful faces and personalities.
Some people have asked me since being back if I have struggled with how evil people can be - if I have a negative perception of the human race now. But because of these girls, I feel the opposite way. Because of their ability to stay strong, happy, funny, confident, sweet, caring, throughout such struggles, I have a renewed feeling of happiness towards humanity. That not only are there still people with such qualities, but there are people who have suffered under the very hands of the most evil people of this world, who remain so incredible. They are the most vulnerable, yet the strongest people I've ever encountered in my life.
Many of the girls who came to the camp were Muslim and Hindu girls. Freedom Firm (and the Woodsedge church from America) were able to share with them their personal beliefs about Christ. On the last day of camp, the two men from the church explained the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet, and then washed the feet of all the girls there. These girls broke down. To have someone serve them in such an intimate way, let alone men, the very people who exploited them day in and day out, broke down walls. I don't know what those girls thought about God or Jesus or the fact that He loves them so immensely, but I at least now know that they heard it. During this time I realised just how badly they need Him. These girls have had everything taken from them: their childhood, their virginity, their families, for many of them they will have a hard time having any sort of future since they have been disowned and cannot be married in a society so heavily dependent on marriage. Some of them have contracted HIV - so their health, and maybe even, their life, has been stripped from them. What left is there to give them? The love and relationships we as humans can give them can help to restore some of this hurt, but ultimately, the only thing that can truly lift them out of such brokenness is Christ. When I think of God's love, I automatically think of these girls. His love for them is just so intensely huge and they deserve it more than I ever will. That is why I say that I feel humbled. Because God does not need me. He doesn't need my qualifications, my degree, my willingness, my "bravery" to go to Rwanda and India - He doesn't need it at all. Those girls don't need any of that. All they need is someone to share Christ with them and to understand His immense love for them. Now I can only hope that they learned some of that, in some small way, from me. What an honour it would be to represent His love to these girls.
A dear friend of mine gave me a gift before I left for Rwanda - a journal with some quotes and things written in it. One of those quotes read:
"Walk away from your computer. Then take off, go to India, rural China, Rio, Caracas, and Belize. Mingle with the filthy rich and the dirt poor. Dig up all the roots of terror. Make hunger, disease, cruelty, lust, greed, self-preservation and genocide your roommates. Then when you run out of money and can't take it anymore, fly back home. Look in the mirror. Face your fears, your weaknesses, strengths, your imminent demise. Then when all of this begins to gel into a master narrative in front of your eyes, go get a job." - Kalle Lasn.
That just about sums it up. I've learned about my weaknesses (if I were to explain them all to you, you'd be here for hours..) and fears, but I've let that become my strength - to acknowledge the things that I am lacking, to be aware of them, and to allow them to be opportunities for God to take over. I have been broken a few times over the last few months, but it's like the old cliche saying, "If it's not broken, don't fix it" - I can only begin to become more of what Christ wants me to be once I am broken.
I could go on for a long time, but this post is already half a novel ;) I appreciate you reading, whether you read every post over the past year, or if you only read this one. If there is anything else you are curious about, or want to know more about, or want to discuss, or even disagree with me - please feel free to contact me.
Thank you again - for your support, prayers, belief in me, and encouragement. It made all the difference.
Bronte.
