last night, my two best friends and boyfriend threw me a surprise going away party. they are much too sneaky! i cannot believe they pulled it off so well, but am so grateful to them for doing so. at the party, people were asked to share something about me, or a memory, or just a kind word. all my closest friends came, some family friends, church friends, my boyfriend's family, etc. as they went around the room and shared things, i was truly humbled. to hear the high opinions people held of me and what i am about to do meant so, so much to me. it was such a special time of people just being genuine and kind and encouraging. it is a moment that i think i will keep with me for the rest of my life.
i emotionally tried to thank them all and explained that over the past few years and months, the idea of this trip was exciting, but now that it is getting closer, and has become more real, it is now scary, nerve-racking, and causes a lot of anxiety. i let them know that they had reminded me of the things i had forgotten about myself - the reasons why i had decided to go on this trip. it was so confirming to hear from people who have known me just one year, to my parents who have known me all of my 22 years, that they understand and believe this is what i am meant to do.
as much as this was confirming and encouraging, and i am extremely grateful to all the people who support me, there are still a lot of emotions i am facing. i have only short moments of excitement when i think of what is ahead of me. i have been thinking over the fact that this IS my passion, and the fact that i should be desiring to serve these people and to live out God's call on my life, but more than anything all i have felt is the anxiety and the temptation to run away from it. i don't feel guilty for this, necessarily, because i think that God understands that the things He asks of me aren't always going to be easy. i think He is gracious enough to me and my humanity that He knows that it's scary, and in a way, i think that makes this trip even more special - it would be EASY if this was something i was whole-heartedly ready to do and unafraid of. but to be honest, my whole heart isn't in it (yet - i have full belief that this will come once i arrive, etc), but i think that's what makes it important - that i do something that requires faith and trust in God, because faith is made stronger and made truer when there are struggles attached to it. i am reminded not only of Jonah, but also of Moses, who was called by God to take a trip to an unknown place, and although he was feeling unqualified and like he wasn't the right person for the job (something that i can relate to currently), he trusted and went anyway.
that being said, not only will i find my motivation and my courage in this promise of God's understanding and guidance through this time, but through each of those people in the room last night, and each of the words that they shared will be a constant encouragement and source of strength. to know that people believe in this, even when i may feel like i don't, will be something i will hold on to. because not only do i not want to let God down, or the people of Rwanda and India, but i do not want to let down the people who see so much in me and believe in me the way they do. i do not want to make their words become a lie - i want to live them out to the best of my ability.
thank you to everyone who was there, to everyone who wanted to be there, and to anyone reading this blog - because the fact that you took the time to read it means you care, and i hope that that also means you believe in me to accomplish all that i have written about.
please continue to be in prayer if you are one who prays
some requests are:
-obviously for these feelings to be cancelled out
-the language barrier when i arrive in Rwanda
-my ability to become adjusted to the schedule and daily happenings and to find my place in that
-continued financial support (thank you for all who have prayed for this, as we have already seen some support come in!)
thank you so much again
-Bronte.
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